Good old-fashioned fun – and some treachery – make Tilba Lake Regatta an oarsome spectacle

Thrills, spills, and deftly executed tactics: the “second inaugural” Tilba Lake Regatta had it all. There was also brazen cheating and a handicapper happily accepting bribes for any handicap that entrants may or may not receive.

Vessels ranged from graceful rowboats and stand-up paddleboards to vintage kayaks and an inflatable bin chicken. Then there was the rowboat with only one oar.

There were just two age groups, under 73 and over 73, but plenty of toned bodies turned out, with the youngest entrant being a high school student.

Spry Maggie was back to see whether she could win the kayak race for the second year running.

This year, her main competition came from the Tiverton Toilers, German backpackers Max and Ricarda, who were working on a nearby farm.

It was the two backpackers in one kayak versus Maggie in a kayak older than her.

The Tiverton Toilers had managed to build a small lead on Maggie, but as the two kayaks came around the final buoy before the finishing line, Maggie overtook them on the inside.

It was a bold tactic that Maggie had learnt while racing yachts with her father, and led to pretty much a photo finish.

Regatta organiser and handicapper Rob Hawkins said the decision would go to the stewards, namely, anyone who happened to be in the Dromedary Hotel on a Friday night.

The stand-up paddleboard race was an all-female affair.

If there was a prize for pluck, it would have gone to Caz Masters. She had never been on a paddleboard before and had only taken hers out of the box that morning.

While she never managed to stand up on it, she did complete the course.

While the ladies were paddling, father and son Duncan and Alec Bond were finally ready to get in on the action, Duncan having spent 30 minutes or more inflating his paddleboard.

They took to the water after the ladies had finished. Alec beat his father, who was the first spill of the day, toppling into the water after crossing the finishing line.

Maggie, Caz and Sue Hall were the only ones to take up the challenge of completing the “Bin Chicken Classic” timed course on the inflatable ibis.

Maggie’s approach using a paddle proved less efficient than swimming. Sue completed the course in 1 minute and 9 seconds versus Maggie’s effort of 3 min and 51 sec.

The rowboat race was perhaps the most fiercely contested.

Earlier that morning, while others were exchanging banter and haggling over bribes, Chris “Smiley” Magill of Punkalla was out on the lake doing a recce of the course and finessing his stroke.

Phil Shorten, in contrast, had just one oar and rowlock, and was relying on his tiny bribes. His other nickname is “Either Oar” Shorten.

He recruited Max, the strong backpacker, to make up for his missing oar. Despite furious rowing and paddling, the little boat’s progress was painfully slow, and it finally sank close to the finish line.

Desperate for a place on the podium, Shortcut took a brazen shortcut in front of a shocked crowd.

Even so, Smiley easily won the Short course under 73 class, relying on the combined ages of his and his companion, backpacker Ricarda, while Rob Hawkins took out the over-73 event in style. He crossed the finishing line in his sleek craft, complete with sliding seat, seemingly without breaking into a sweat.

The last race of the day was open to all vessels and had a Le Mans start. All entrants had to clutch the barbed-wire fence before running down to their craft on the sound of the starting hooter.

With the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean blasting and adding to the drama unfolding on the lake, mayhem ensued.

Phil “Either Oar” Shorten nabbed the small craft “Minnow” from under the nose of young Alec and once again resorted to completing a different, shorter course from the rest. He later claimed it was a lesson for children to teach them that cheats never win.

Stephen Clune, representing Whiffens Lane, was first to cross the line, with Smiley not far behind. Some of the dismounts were a sight to behold, adding to the spill count.

The prize? Bragging rights for all at the Dromedary Hotel for the next 12 months.

Those who helped make the regatta possible included the 3 x Sallys, Pryor, Record and Hawkins, who fed the crowd with Sally’s Silly Sausage Sizzle; Mariano and Andy with the live music; and Poo Carters, which donated two portaloos for the day.

The regatta (including bribes and “free” sausage sizzle) raised $900 for the Central Tilba RFS, including a $200 donation from the Tilba Lake Community. Last year’s regatta proceeds went towards a plug-in refrigerator for cold drinks on the brigade’s newly refurbished fire truck.

Start training now (or start looking for that other oar … Either Oar) for next year’s regatta on the last Sunday in March.